10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Nose

It has become extremely disturbing how many adults I see each week with their hand in their nose on the subway. It is beyond disgusting to me. For this reason, I have come up with reasons why you should NOT pick your nose is public OR private. I really am only concerned with public picking though since it directly effects me. Please spread the word to end Public Picking.

Reasons You Should NOT Pick Your Nose:

1. The things you are taking out of your nose are germs. Doing this action puts germs on your hands and wherever you touch.

2. If you're over the age of 5 there is really no excuse.

3. Picking your nose with a bare finger can cause a bloody nose.

4. You don't look at all attractive doing this.

5. You continuously test my gag reflex.

6. There are several different kinds of tissues to do the same job without the mess. Get a CVS coupon or just go to a public bathroom and take a bunch of toilet paper to use for this purpose.

7. If you're the lucky person I see when I snap I WILL say something to you and probably repeat these reasons aloud in public to embarrass you.

8. No matter what your excuse....it is NEVER okay.

9. I'd almost rather see a roach on the train than you doing this.

10. I WILL throw up on you.

I may start handing out packets of tissues on the train as people enter. This must stop. Spread the word to end public nose picking.

The Curious Case of the Fallen Cell Phone

I could start with a back story for this one but I really don't think it needs it. This was by far my most awkward moment to date. Buckle your seat belts and prepare yourself for awkward. Again, I wish I was making this story up but everything you read below is 100% true.


Last night, I entered a stall of a public restroom and closed the door behind me. It took me a good 2 minutes to figure out the locking situation since every door in a public restroom is a jig saw puzzle in which you need to close the door just right to connect the lock to the side of the stall to gain privacy. As I unzipped my jeans I heard my cell phone fall out of my back pocket and when I looked to see where it landed I could not find it anywhere. I continued to look around and saw that it managed to slide underneath the stall divider and into the one next to me landing directly in between the feet of the woman in the neighboring stall. As soon as I saw where it was I said "Oh god....sorry". The woman didn't say a word or even acknowledge that my cell phone was now planted between her feet. I didn't know what to do and didn't want her to step on it or get anything on it so I slowly reached my hand under the stall and grabbed it and slowly slid it back into my stall. She still did not say a word. My hand and cell phone were between her feet and she said absolutely nothing.


I saw her cowgirl boots a few minutes later outside of the restroom so I made sure not to make eye contact in case she recognized my hand and droid incredible. The moral of the story is...don't keep your cell phone in your back pocket when entering a public restroom. It could land in the toilet.....or worse.

Not your average Tuesday

I had so many odd moments today. Some that are full on stories and others that are just events. This is my life. For everyone else April 6, 2010 was just another random Tuesday. But for me...it was crazy. Let's do a timeline for entertainment and chronological purposes.


8:15am I arrived at the house where I babysit and discovered I had forgotten my wallet at home. (I drove there too. Good thing I didn't get pulled over. Yikes)


12:30pm After I fed Wyatt & Seth lunch I realized I had to keep them entertained until their baby sister woke up. I told them they could each get a cup and make a concoction for the other one to drink with anything edible in the house. The other person would take one sip of the other's concoction once it was completed. It seemed like a good idea at the time but the cups got so full of random things from the cabinets, refrigerator, and freezer that we then had to switch them to bowls. Seth even commented "Wow! Our parents eat some weird stuff!" as he loaded his concoction up with cinnamon, tater tots, root beer, sprinkles, peanut butter, magic shell, etc. We then changed the rules that you no longer had to drink the concoction but instead had to stick your hand in it. It was so gross. I'm glad I can test out my parenting techniques on other people's children before I have children of my own.


2:00pm I took Wyatt and Seth to get their haircut at the barber shop. I haven't been in a barber shop in years. I always forget how different barber shops and hair salons are. There were NO sinks in the place, only 2 people cutting hair, sports on the tv, and they did not sweep the hair on the floor in between cuts. All morning Seth kept saying he wanted a mohawk with sports pictures shaved in the side. His mom told me he was not allowed to get a mohawk but could get a fohawk. Wyatt wanted something called a wiffle. I was not familiar with this term. So they both get in their chairs and I tell the boys to describe the hair they want to the person cutting it while I fill in the blanks. English was not either man's first language so the language barrier along with the fact that I had no idea what a wiffle was made it very difficult to describe what exactly they should be doing with their machines. They were certainly not familiar with the words "wiffle" and "fohawk". After Seth's hair was cut I asked the guy if he could please style it in a mohawk looking style. He filled his hand with hair gel and gave Seth a fohawk. The amount of hair gel they used on both boys made them look like two extremely pale Puerto Rican children. Needless to say, their hair styles did not exactly match their Irish skin tone, freckles, and crocks.


3:41pm My dad joined facebook.


4:00pm After playing at Carroll Park for a good hour or so making yet again several child shaped bodies on the ground with sidewalk chalk leaving it looking like a crime scene, it actually BECAME a crime scene. As I was sitting on the park bench with Annie, I over heard the woman next to me talking about one man in the park who was a pedophile and another who was a drug dealer. She was there with her sister and mother and all three women were talking about these men. The main woman had very long fake nails and a very thick New York/North Jersey Italian/American accent. She said that this man was just selling drugs to the teenagers playing poker in the park. She then picked up her phone and called her friend then hung up and called 911. When she was on the phone I thought she said the man had left the park and was headed down Carroll Street on a bike. So, although I was concerned for the children I was watching I thought he had left so it was no longer an issue at this point. Then a couple minutes after she placed the phone call, the woman started charging towards the teen poker table and starts yelling at a man on a bike that looked exactly like the description I just heard her give to 911. She starts yelling at him telling him to leave. Asking him why he is there. Then her sister asks "What is she doing?". And the mom goes "Oh don't worry she has her gun on her." I almost died when she said that. Seriously? A gun? I hope to GOD this woman was an off duty cop or something. Otherwise, how WEIRD is that? "Oh, I'm going to bring my 10 year old daughter wearing a Jonas Brother's t-shirt to the park....better not forget my gun!"


As soon as I heard the mom say she had a gun I started yelling Seth's name across the park telling him we have to leave RIGHT now. He of course couldn't hear me so now I look like a crazy. I then grab all the kids and jet out of the park before things start getting weird and they witness this man getting arrested or are in the middle of show down between this crazy gun carrying woman and a drug dealer. So we leave the park just as the cops pull up and enter the park. They start searching the man RIGHT in front of us as we're walking and now Wyatt and Seth are fully aware that something weird is happening. So I explained that is why we had to leave the park in such a hurry. They of course were so excited asking me if the guy was going to be on the news. The walk home was absolutely hysterical with all of their questions.


Then as we passed the police station down the street from their house, a group of people were being taken inside with hand cuffs on and Wyatt yells "Oh my god! It's gangsters!". I of course start laughing uncontrollably and he says "What? They were in a group." What a great babysitter I am. They see someone get arrested at the park and "gangsters" being brought into a police station on the walk home. Really making sure the kids are safe.


10:45pm After a long day and some wonderful stuffed peppers made by Mr. Jonathan Clay, I peeled open my oreos only to discover they were double stuffed. Total bummer.


I can't believe this is my life. I wish I made this stuff up. I really do. Unfortunately, it all happens. And it happens to me.

I am not a racist

Last night, I experienced one of the scariest nights of my life. It started out funny but ended with a mad dash home. Please brace yourself for what you are about to read.


I worked in the lower east side until midnight last night. I usually drive into the city but last night I decided to see how long it would take to get to and from work by taking the subway. To get to work it only took 30 minutes. The ride home was different. Because of construction the trains were running all weird and you had to go uptown to go downtown. When I finally boarded my correct train I was relieved.


As soon as I sat down I starting laughing at this man who hit on this woman who shot him down immediately. She kind of looked like if a busted version of Beyonce and a prostitute had a baby. Anyway, I laughed and looked away. The man then slide over to where I was sitting and asked me if the train was local or express. I told him all the information I knew about the train then turned away. He then asked me where I was from and so on. About two or three questions in he asked me if I wanted to get drinks. I should mention at this point it is 12:45am. I politely said "No. I'm sorry. I have to be up early and I'm sick". He then said "It's always I'm sorry. I mean I know I'm not American or anything but really. Why can't we just go out and get a drink? It's always I'm sorry. I'm sorry."


At this point, I thought it was outrageous that he was calling me "racist" for not wanting to get drinks with a complete creepo stranger hitting on me at 12:45 on a New York City subway. I replied "I have a boyfriend" and looked out the window. The rest of the ride I tried to avoid eye contact at all cost.


We finally got to a station where there was a train across the platform that was going the exact same way we were and would drop me off at my stop. So I hopped off and went on that train so I wouldn't have to deal with the crazy anymore. Well, when I got off, he followed me. I noticed his creepy face towards the back of my car. So, before the doors closed I ran across back to my original train. He switched again too. This time he went in the car ahead of me. At this point, I thought I was going to die. I never thought so quickly about my next movements in my life.


The train announcer says the train I'm on is now going express and will NOT stop at my stop. I starting freaking out. I didn't know what to do. So at the next stop, I exited the train, made sure freak wasn't behind me, ran upstairs, banged on the front of a taxi and jumped in. The whole taxi ride I kept imaging the driver turning around and being the man I was running from. This is why I can't watch scary movies. I think they'd actually happen in real life.


My taxi driver was SO nice. He must have sensed I was freaked out and made sure I got into my apartment okay before pulling away. I hope all of my female friends watch themselves on the train and be careful. That was the scariest 20 or so minutes of my life.

Subway Stories-Episode 1

After a long day, I found myself a seat on the subway platform and was patiently waiting for my train while looking at my phone when I was approached by a harmless homeless gentleman. He seemed non-threatening and had a close resemblance to black Santa. He asked me what kind of phone I had. I replied "a fancy one". Why one would tell a homeless man they had a "fancy phone" is beyond me. Why those were the words I chose I will never know. Anyway, that answer was not good enough for him. He is a NYC homeless man after all. So he asked again "but what KIND of phone?". I replied "a blackberry". He took one look at my touch screen blackberry and asked "oh...why didn't you get the iphone?". Really? A homeless man is asking me why I didn't get the iphone? So I was honest. I said "well it was cheaper and it was on my network". Here I am explaining my cell phone choice to a homeless man on a subway platform. How is this happening? Then out of no where he says "so can we move in together? I'll buy you an iphone." I don't know what that means when someone is homeless. Would this mean he would move in with me since I already have a place? Would I move with him and roam the streets of NY. Though I was not interested in his offer, even though the iphone seemed a tad enticing, I was curious about what he meant. Luckily my train arrived at this time. So I nicely said "well I have to go sorry this is my train". He then walked me to the door and asked me where it was that I lived. I told him I lived in Brooklyn and he said "oh is it the crackhead infested part?". I don't know if he knows people there or was asking me if I lived there just because I didn't have an iphone and being a NY homeless man he knew no iphone meant no money. As I boarded the N train he kept yelling "Think about it. We can move in together. Think about it. 32 gig. 32 gig." I was laughing as the doors closed and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy for talking to him. One woman kept looking at me as if for a second or so she was considering if I was actually in a relationship with homeless black Santa. Maybe she saw my blackberry too and just assumed.